Why Can't I Get Over My Ex? Four Reasons Gay Men Stay Stuck After a Divorce or Breakup
The memories, the feelings, the thoughts, the spirals — they keep coming back.
Why can't gay men get over their exes after a divorce, after a long-term relationship, or after a breakup? Because I know that whether it is a divorce or a breakup, that issue still comes up for so many gay men. So we're going to break it down today.
If you're new to me — my name is Eugene Berezin. I am a registered hypnotherapist in the state of Washington. My background: I worked as a psychotherapist in Moscow, Russia, and built a private practice back then in Moscow. I worked in a variety of settings in the US as a case manager, social worker, youth counselor, you name it. And now I practice clinical hypnotherapy in my private practice as a registered hypnotherapist. I'm going to tell you about clinical hypnotherapy a little bit later in this article and how it can play out in this situation specifically.
Big disclaimer first: this is a video, and I can't cover every single situation in detail. It's a multi-layer answer.
1. Grief
Let's start with the obvious.
Many people think that grief only happens when somebody transitions or passes away. Grief happens when you lose something or someone in your life, even if they have not transitioned or passed away. When it comes to divorce and breakup, grief is a really important component here.
The function of grief is actually to process and create that separation. Because when you live with somebody for a long time and you build a life together — even if it was problematic, even if you went through a whole lot of things with that person — that person a lot of the time gave you one thing that makes your brain keep craving them.
That thing is stability.
You know what to expect, even if it was a bad relationship. You have the rituals. You have the typical things that you do together. And if you lived together for a long time, and especially if it was a good relationship, it is really hard to get over.
And grief is not just the stages of grief. All the stages you might know of — anger, bargaining, acceptance, you name it — it's not stage by stage. It's not that you're first in denial, and then you're angry, and then you're bargaining. It goes in waves. It can hit you from different places, and it doesn't go away with time completely. It might subside, but it doesn't go away with time completely.
So when it comes to that part where you can't get over your ex, and it's still coming up — I invite you to look at it as if you had to rebuild your life from scratch again without that person. Because your brain created pathways. It created associations with that person. Favorite places, favorite restaurants, favorite movies, favorite activities, hikes, parks, travel, you name it.
So you have to build it yourself. Either by yourself, or with another person.
By the way, I made a video on the rebound relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with a rebound if you approach it correctly. Go look at my channel — the divorce after 30 series — I put a video there specifically about rebounds.
But when you are building this new mental map, you can do it by yourself. Travel by yourself. Self-care by yourself. Create your own unique experiences by yourself, or with another person.
And this is a really important caveat. If it's with another person, this is something that you have to talk to your new person about: they should not bring up the old relationship. That is one of the boundaries you have to create.
For example, I've told you on my channel before that I got divorced from my husband and we reconciled. But in between, when we were separated, I was in another relationship. And what was coming up for me back then was that the other person would constantly bring my old relationship back. It's a kind of mental trigger. It keeps coming back. It's a reminder — hey, but you had this great thing with that person. You know what I mean?
This is a boundary that I believe you should not cross, and you should communicate it with your new partner. Yes, it is fresh. But in order to recover and heal and move forward, it is important to respect that boundary and not touch that memory. And when you do need to process something, you have to establish clear communication about how you do that with your new partner — in a way that is not just reminiscing about your past life and your past partner, so that you don't start craving and missing the old partner more than you are attracted to and in love with your new partner.
That is really essential. And that is a skill.
2. The social architecture
We talked about grief. Now let's talk about the social architecture.
If your ex-husband provided the source of your social support — the friends, the social network, the source of everything else social — and all of a sudden your husband is gone, your friends are gone, and you're extremely lonely.
You're not necessarily missing your husband. You're missing the social structures that used to be there.
And it's real. When people build a life together, it's very much possible that one person is very social and has numerous connections with other people, and when it falls apart, those social connections go with the other person.
You're not missing your ex necessarily. I mean, of course you do. But what you're missing is that social infrastructure that you used to have with your ex-partner. It's not there anymore.
So the practical step there is to actually start reconnecting with community. I know it's not easy, especially if back then you relied on your husband or ex-husband to build the social infrastructure for the two of you. Now it is just you. Now it's adapting and adjusting your skill set to build your own social infrastructure.
And this is where I want to pause
How do you actually do that?
It has something to do with skill set development. And this is why sometimes talk therapy may not be as effective.
By the way, talk therapy is amazing. I am not against talk therapy. I worked as a therapist for many, many years, and I'm expanding my practice into addiction counseling. But at the same time, I want to say that sometimes in these instances talk therapy may not be as effective — not because it is not effective, but because there is a lacking definition of healing.
I actually made a video about that: why therapy is not working, or why you tried therapy and it didn't work. It's because it was missing the definition. The goal of healing.
And the goal of healing for you might be skill set development. How to develop your social network, your social infrastructure.
This is specifically what I do in my private practice, through motivational interviewing.
I cannot hypnotize you into making friends. That is not how clinical hypnosis works. We do motivational interviewing — an evidence-based approach that can be used in guidance, in coaching, in therapy, you name it.
What I provide in my practice is clinical hypnotherapy and motivational interviewing in the context of skill set development and guidance. Specifically, it is not psychotherapy. It is guidance for you to rebuild your life again, with a very specific focus: I need to rebuild my life.
And we use clinical hypnotherapy to manage your stress and to strengthen that skill set — because skills are neural connections in our brain, and clinical hypnotherapy can be extremely useful when you are developing a skill. For integration. For strengthening. For managing your stress, and for managing your grief too.
You can book an appointment with me on my website, and you can also learn more about hypnotherapy for gay men after divorce and breakups and how I specifically provide services as a registered hypnotherapist in Washington State. I work throughout the United States and internationally through telehealth.
3. You were using another person to regulate yourself
Here's another thing you might be missing about your ex, especially once some time has passed. This might be an unhealthy pattern that some gay men have.
You were using another person as a way to regulate yourself — through their care, through their love, through their attention. And now, because dating and finding another person is hard, you develop this almost addictive mechanism.
I hate to use the word addiction, because it's not really addiction. But it's a mechanism where you use another person almost like a substance. You take validation from them, and you don't really necessarily like them or love them. You are using them to regulate yourself. And nobody can quite fulfill the role of your ex-husband, your ex-partner, as well as he did.
This is your strongest drug.
Even though it is not an addiction, and it's not codependency. Listen — not in the DSM-5. But just because we don't have a clear diagnosis or clear criteria for something, it doesn't mean that the experiences you are having in your life are not real.
How do you work with that? Again, by building social skills, understanding your patterns, and rewiring your patterns through motivational interviewing and clinical hypnosis. That is how I do it in my practice specifically.
And it is really essential to understand that you may not be missing that person. You might be missing the regulation you were getting from that person.
4. Sometimes the breakup was premature
There are a lot more patterns to this, and I simply don't have all the time in the world to cover them. But here's the last one I'm going to name — and it's the one that was relevant to my situation.
Because you might be thinking: Eugene, you didn't get over your ex. You got back together.
Let me tell you something. Sometimes divorce or a breakup happens prematurely.
We are all human beings, and sometimes people don't have the language to articulate that they need space, that they need time, that they need resources — and what kind of resources they need for transformation, for growth, for healing. And sometimes that means taking a break from your relationship and communicating clearly.
I mean, it's really good and dandy when I say that on a YouTube video. But what was happening in our relationship specifically was exactly that. We got back together because we had some really big unfinished business together.
It was not a breakup because we were not happy together. It was not a breakup because we were really done. It was a breakup because my significant other, my husband, needed time to find meaning in his life.
I had meaning in my life. I had two careers. I had everything that anybody could dream of. And my husband was on a journey finding his higher purpose in life. One of the ways you can find healing in life is by finding a higher purpose, something bigger than yourself. And sometimes it takes solitude to find a purpose larger than yourself.
So I'm just putting it out there. Sometimes it's not over. Sometimes it is unfinished business, and it doesn't mean that it is related to you specifically.
It just means that sometimes it happens. And when it happens, it is okay to open up communication. In fact, we never closed communication. We were friends, and we are lifelong friends. We've been together for a long time.
So that is another reason something may not be over. A breakup or divorce can be premature. You didn't work it out, but it was a perfectly workable relationship. There was something there.
And when you get back together, it is about revisiting — not necessarily starting where you left off, but starting over. Because the other person changed, and you changed.
I'm putting it out there because people do get back together. And what you don't want to do is get back together because you need your person to validate you, because you need your person to regulate you, because you need your person to fulfill your insecurity or shield you from it.
You want to get back with another person because you just realized you are able to build together, and it was premature.
That is a really good reason to get back together.
I hope it helps.
If you're looking for structural support, guidance, coaching, and clinical hypnotherapy that helps you get over your ex and find meaning in life — or maybe you are in that place where it almost feels like a midlife crisis, thinking about what is next for you — check out my website. You can find everything about my background, what I've done for work in the past, and the methodology I use.
Big important disclaimer: I am offering clinical hypnotherapy as a modality. It is not a replacement for talk therapy or for working with a licensed mental health professional.
I love you so much. I will see you in the next video.
Bye y'all.
