Alcohol, Gay Culture, and Sober Curiosity
We have to talk about alcohol and gay culture. Because listen — to say that we are not affected by it, we are. And it's not about lecturing you, saying hey, we're drinking too much. It's rather to have a really honest conversation.
We're going to talk about sober curiosity, because let's just not put this stigma on our community that if you have a problem, full abstinence and not drinking is the only way. So we're going to talk about all of that. We're going to talk about what is a standard drink, what is not a standard drink, whether you can have a standard drink at the gay bar or at a bar in general. All of that, and how it affects our community, how it affects your relationship. And more importantly, if you've been thinking "maybe I'm drinking too much" or "maybe I'm partying too much," this video is a really good starting point to actually start thinking about the decisions that you're making in your life.
If you're new to me — my name is Eugene Berezin. I am a registered hypnotherapist in the state of Washington. I work with gay men in my private practice across the United States, online and virtually, with the exception of a few states. So if you would like to work with me, let me know. Book your 15-minute free consultation.
My background: I graduated with a master's degree in psychology. I worked as a psychotherapist in Moscow, Russia. I worked as a social worker and case manager. So I've been around the block for quite some time in mental health. And I am studying to be a substance use disorder professional, because I'm expanding my private practice and adding addiction treatment in addition to hypnotherapy.
This is a video series on how alcohol and substances affect our relationships. Substances, divorce, and relationships. This is all about that, because we are affected, and in many different ways. So today we're going to talk about alcohol, sober curiosity, all of that.
Let me set the stage
There are a few things that we have to understand as gay men.
Number one: gay bars, a lot of the time, are safe places for us, where gay men can safely mingle and socialize with one another. And that is a fact — especially in more conservative states and in more conservative countries.
Can I imagine going to a gay bar and not drinking alcohol? Is it possible? Yes. Can it be fun? Yes. This is part of the sober curiosity portion that we're going to talk about later. But it affects us also.
With that being said, we are also part of a marginalized group. We are also part of people whose identities were devalued. People with a devalued identity. What does devalued identity mean? A devalued identity is when majority culture looks at you as less than. So gay men, gay people, the LGBTQI community, are a part of people with a devalued identity. It's not that your identity is not valuable — it is. It's how majority culture looks at you historically. We can say that other groups, for example Black Americans, also come from devalued identities. Immigrants. Sex workers, even. Because we look at them as less than.
But without going too far into a tangent — how does that affect our substance use? Devalued identities sometimes bring a lot of trauma and a lot of survival. And for some people, traumatic events get kind of alchemized into more resilience, and people don't have to have a problem with that.
And when it comes to substances, alcohol specifically — people drink because they're having a good time. For others, the substance is a way to actually escape pain and feel better and regulate ourselves. Whether or not alcohol regulates us, regulates our nervous system, is a little bit of a deeper discussion. In a way, it can regulate our nervous system and make us feel a little bit better. And it is a social lubricant. And some people drink alcohol because they sleep better after they drink alcohol, because alcohol is a natural depressant.
But it's also problematic. Aside from health problems, it affects your brain, it affects your liver, and it affects your erection. I don't know — have you ever noticed that when you drink, maybe it's really hard to finish? Or maybe it's really hard for you to get hard? Or you've had unpleasant sexual experiences after you drank a little bit too much? Or maybe you are getting into not necessarily healthy sexual encounters after you drink, I don't know, a margarita. You know what I'm saying? That affects people negatively.
What the standard actually is
When it comes to alcohol use — what is the standard in the DSM-5? In the DSM-5, we call it alcohol use disorder. We don't necessarily call it alcoholism; that's a little bit of an outdated term. We call it alcohol use disorder. And alcohol use disorder can be mild, can be moderate, and can be severe. There are a list of questions that we normally ask people to identify where they're at.
When I do a substance use disorder assessment, it's a rather lengthy process — I'm learning the background. But there are a few things that you can think of right now, right off the bat.
Have you ever had a problem cutting down? So you told yourself, you know what, I'm not partying as much, I'm not drinking as much. And two weeks after, or maybe next week, what do you know — you're still partying the same amount. It doesn't have to be habitual drinking where you drink every day. Not everybody drinks every day. It's not binge drinking several days at a time. It's more like: well, that was too much, I'm not going to do it, I will definitely drink less. Friday night, Saturday night — it's the same story.
Have you ever engaged in unsafe behavior? Let me give you an example, because it is so vague and interpretive. You had a few drinks at a gay bar or at a bar and you feel fine. You're fine. Even though the breathalyzer could possibly indicate that you're a little bit over the limit — but you feel fine, you feel safe, and you drive. Nothing bad happened. Listen, nothing bad happened. You drove home safe, you parked, and everything's cool. You did not get in an accident. But it is considered unsafe behavior.
Or you drank a little bit too much and you engaged in more risky sexual activity, something that you probably wouldn't do when you're sober. That is a little bit pushing it. That's pushing over the limit.
Or blackouts. Have you ever drunk so much that you don't remember the night, or portions of the night, or what happened? That's another thing.
Hey — if we are not real about what we're going through, then we cannot heal. Okay? So it's not to shame anybody. It's just that we are curious about sobriety. We are curious about our alcohol intake.
My example
If you were thinking, or maybe you were questioning, "you know what, I am drinking too much" or "I'm partying too much" — I will give you my example.
I went from one extreme to another. I never had a diagnosable alcohol use disorder. I've never been in recovery. I'm a highly functional, over-functioning adult, rather.
But I will tell you one example. I like to go out, right? And at one time in the past I noticed that, okay, I'm having fun, I'm never too drunk, it's always a good time — but then I see that I spent $3,000 on just going out and having a drink. And it's not always at the gay bar. It's just my favorite restaurants.
So that was the point for me. You know what? I should probably cut down on going out. Or if I'm going out, maybe I should not drink alcohol. That was my point of sober curiosity.
I had a successful career. I was making six figures. I was fine. Nobody would tell me that I wasn't. So I was doing absolutely fine.
When I got divorced — that was probably when I really pushed the limit with alcohol. And I didn't binge drink, but again, this going out, this "you know what, I'm fine and I'm having fun" — but maybe I'm not really having fun. Maybe it was a little bit of an unhealthy coping mechanism. Because it does happen. It does happen.
And I went to therapy and I addressed that. And again, that was never to the point that it's a diagnosable alcohol use disorder. So it was like, "Yeah, but you can cut down, right?" Yeah. And I did cut down. I have no problem. I never had a blackout. I never operated my vehicle under the influence, as far as I remember. When you go through the list, my therapist was like, you know what, yeah — probably a little bit too much, probably not a healthy coping mechanism, so we can work on that.
This is an example of sober curiosity.
And on the other side, I went to the other extreme, where I was not drinking at all, because of my religious upbringing. Earlier, when I was part of a Baptist church, a high-control religion — that was rather... I'm gay. I'm okay with being gay. I went to therapy. I came out. But I was still part of that organization, and drinking alcohol was not okay. So I would go out and I would drink water or Red Bull without alcohol, and it was fun.
And it actually kind of helps me to go out even now, when I am not drinking as much or don't go out as much. That is an alternative. This is something that I provide, or something that we work on together, to understand what sober curiosity looks like for you.
How alcohol affects the relationship
Alcohol also affects relationships negatively.
On my side, I never had a problem, but I told you before in my previous videos that in my family I was affected negatively by people who were drinking. And this is something that I'm noticing in gay couples as well. People have a little bit too much and it affects their relationship. People might start fighting.
Different alcohol can affect you differently. With some people vodka affects them more negatively — they're more combative — whereas other liquor or other cocktails affect them a little bit better or worse.
What actually counts as a standard drink
To help you understand what is a standard drink and what is not, I would like to show you the CDC website.
Moderate drinking for a man is two drinks or less in a day — I would argue probably zero. For women, it's one drink or less in a day.
What is a standard drink? People never fully understand what a standard drink actually is. It is:
12 ounces of regular beer
8 to 10 ounces of malt liquor or a flavored malt beverage, such as a hard seltzer
5 ounces of table wine
1.5 ounces of distilled spirits
And by the way, in one bottle of wine there are about five standard drinks. (A 750 ml bottle is about 25 ounces, and at 5 ounces per standard drink, that's five.)
You can see that the stronger the beverage gets, the less and less the amount you get.
And when you go to a club or a gay club, they never serve a full standard alcohol drink, right? It's always more. Just keep that in mind. You're always drinking more.
When sober curiosity is a good option
Now let's bring it all together.
If you believe that you do have alcohol use disorder, that it's problematic — for example, drinking every day is quite problematic. Several drinks a day is problematic. Even if you drink with dinner, this is problematic. This probably falls into alcohol use disorder. Then sober curiosity can be an option, but I would rather you consult with a substance use professional, or an addiction professional, therapist, or certified addiction counselor — people who are actually really good at helping people with those kinds of things.
But let's say you're not binge drinking. Let's say you see that it's really expensive, and you would like to cut down on just going out and partying, and overall want to have a healthier relationship with alcohol and a healthier relationship with going out. Then sober curiosity is a really good choice.
What does it look like?
First of all, understanding that it's not just "okay, we're partying less." We're drinking for a reason. And this is why at the beginning of the video I brought up marginalization and devalued identity — because we all carry trauma, and we are all coping with trauma, coping with difficult situations and difficult feelings, strong feelings, one way or another. That is a fact.
So understanding what function alcohol plays in your life, and how you can act differently. How you can get that function met in a more healthy way. Because everything has a function. Your going out, your drinking, has a function. Your loved one who is drinking, who is maybe even causing you harm — it has a function for them, and for your relationship as well.
You might be thinking, what function? It has a function because we function as a family, and a family is a system, and in a system, each system will always strive toward homeostasis, to stay the same. And drinking sometimes plays a role in that.
Understanding what function alcohol is serving in our life — this is essential. This is step number one.
Step number two: understand what a healthy and acceptable amount of alcohol is for you to drink in a period of time.
For me, it is going out, for example, two times a month. Not every week. Two times a month, sometimes once a month. And also the amount of alcohol that I'm consuming — for me it's one, maximum two cocktails, twice a month. One or two cocktails, no more. And I do not drive. I don't make it convenient. I live in the city, I can literally walk to a gay bar if I want to — literally a 15-minute walk.
That's my stipulation. For my husband, it's different, because he is on his fast. He calls it a fast. He doesn't drink at all, because for him it affects him differently, negatively, and affects his health, our relationship, all of that. So he doesn't drink at all, and he goes out with his friends and he doesn't drink.
Another question: how do you act when you hang out with your friends? For him, he orders mocktails and non-alcoholic beer. For me, if I go out, I just drink one cocktail. And if I'm with my husband, one cocktail, maximum two. And I will always ask if it is okay if I order a drink or two.
For you it may be different.
Sober curiosity coaching — what it is and what it is not
I decided to offer a new service and invite people into sober curiosity.
Now, it is not addiction treatment. It is sober curiosity coaching and guidance. I am pursuing my addiction counselor credential. I cannot provide you addiction counseling yet. It is not addiction counseling. It is coaching.
If you have a binge drinking problem, if you believe that you have alcohol use disorder in any capacity, you are best to consult with a licensed or certified professional who specializes in that. I am not a good option for you.
But if you're thinking, well, I'm not an alcoholic — we're not using this term, we say alcohol use disorder — I'm not that, but I just would like to party less. Or maybe you're listening to this episode or watching this and you think, you know what, I'm really curious about sober curiosity, I would like to be more sober, and this is for me.
So here's how it works. We have a free consultation. I want to make sure that it is not a diagnosable substance use disorder. This is important.
And then eight appointments, eight sessions, where we work together on understanding why you drink. It is more like coaching and developing the skill set that you actually need.
I'm a registered hypnotherapist in the state of Washington and I can work with people across the United States virtually. And the hypnosis is not to hypnotize you into not drinking. I want to make it crystal clear: clinical hypnosis doesn't work like that. Hypnotherapy and clinical hypnosis, the way I use it, is more for you to go within and bypass your critical mind, and have insights about yourself, and about what it looks like for you to be sober curious, and why you want to be sober curious. What is your motivation?
And for that we're using motivational interviewing, an evidence-based approach that works wonderfully for coaching, for sober coaching, for sober curiosity. And we bring it all together and also use clinical hypnosis, clinical hypnotherapy, to strengthen the decision that you made.
It's not to hypnotize you into not drinking. It's to empower you. It's to make you stronger. It's to make you more effective. It's to make you more confident. It's to make you more whole and healed. Not to force you or hypnotize you or make you do something that you don't want to do. This is paramount for successful work together.
How you can work with me
You can book a 15-minute consultation call, and if it is a right fit, you can start working with me.
All the information — I just updated my website. Go to my website, book a consultation from my website. Read about me, read about my background. Because the therapy itself doesn't work unless you have a really good relationship with your provider, with your hypnotherapist.
And we're not doing just clinical hypnotherapy. We're doing strategic sober curiosity coaching, strategic coaching, and skill set development. Clinical hypnotherapy is the component that glues it all together and empowers you.
All the information is in the description for this video.
And come to my next episode, because next time we're going to talk about crystal meth — how it's problematic, how it affects your brain. It's going to be super interesting. And also, if you're thinking "I don't have a problem, I only do it when I'm having fun with other guys, when I party a little bit, but I don't do it regularly" — we're going to talk about it. We're going to talk about it. We're going to talk about it.
So come next time for the next episode.
I love you so much, and I will see you in the next video. Bye y'all.
Ready to talk? Book a free 15-minute consultation →
Source: CDC — About Standard Drink Sizes
